It's time. I can tell everyone my big news that i've been bottling up for months. Here it comes ........... we're moving ..... my mom's getting married again ...... I know it's' shocking but it's true. She's met this amazing guy on the Internet. He lives in Alaska and she went over there for a week. He then came over here for 3 weeks. His name is Mark and he is an amazing man after God's own heart ... seriously. I didn't know men like that existed. But take heart, they do =D.
So, my mom and i will be moving to Alaska. My brother hasn't decided if he wants to come with us or if he wants to stay here. I would suggest he comes with us because there's a lot more opportunity in America than there is here in Africa. Especially if Julius Malema becomes the president. He hates white people and he probably will become president in a few years since he's got all the youth on his side.
I'm excited and sad at the same time. Excited 'cause there's a lot more for me to do there and the crime is way less. Sad because I'm leaving all my precious friends and family behind. But Mark is a pilot so he pays only 10% of ticket prices. He said i can fly back here as much as i want to, so that's pretty awesome.
My mom has gone back to Alaska for 6 weeks. I'm going crazy here and she's only been gone for 1 day. I miss my mom terribly, she's my best friend and she keeps me sane in this crazy house. But strangely my grandfather is acting kinder towards my brother and i, he never used to be like that. My dad has also taken quite a turn.
I'm so glad i could write this now. Tell everyone so i can post updates about this new chapter of my life living for Abba.
I want to draw closer to Him everyday and i feel like I'm failing left, right and center. I get close and then the enemy hits me in my weak spot and pulls me down. With Mark being here and me sleeping in my mom's room so he can sleep in my room i haven't been able to spend time with Abba alone to pray and read His word for 4 weeks and i feel it. And with this thing going on with Israel. The terrorist attacks i feel so helpless. I pray for them and cry because i feel like they're my brothers and sisters and that's my home and they're going through so much and i feel like i can't help in any way. I want to help so badly.
But all i can do for now is pray. Prayer is sharper than any 2 edged sword, right? of course right.
I just feel like maybe God is disappointed in me for some reason. I know i have a big problem of comparing myself to other people. I very big problem, that's my weak spot and the enemy knows that's wear to point the arrow. He always manages to hit the bulls eye. Now, I'm not vain. All i want is to be pretty, i want to be pretty on the inside and i want that to shine to the outside. I don't feel pretty inside and i don't feel pretty outside at all. I know God looks at the heart but it's hard in the environment that i live in. Where you walk in the mall and see thin women looking beautiful. Or posters of women and magazine covers screaming that I'm not pretty unless i look like the world. I get that when i walk out the door and i get that when I'm indoors. My brother keeps telling me to cut my hair short, i don't look nice with long hair. Wear tighter clothing, you have to show you have a body.
I know i wear sack like clothing. But it's because i have such low self-esteem. And my brother isn't helping.
Then with all this i feel like God doesn't think I'm pretty, inside or out. I don't mean for this post to sound like a big sob story but this I've battled with this ever since I've started following Torah and dressing differently. Being told that I'm not dressing right.
I try not to focus on my outward appearance, i try so hard to focus on my inward more. To be gentle, and to shine because Yeshua lives inside of me. To have a soft heart and to be a Proverbs 31 women. I want to be that so badly, but it's so hard.
I know this is a battle and i need Abba. The enemy uses this all the time. He knows this is where i feel weak and vulnerable. When i start getting strong and start thinking that hey, maybe i am pretty on the inside and outside. But then the enemy comes and whispers in my ear, that I'm not good enough and never will be.
Not good enough for God.
I know it's not about worth. Go loves me not for what i do but for who i am. He loves me with an unconditional love. And He will keep loving me through my struggles and help me through it. I just need to keep reminding myself of this truth. I do everyday.
I just want to encourage other ladies out there, young and old. To keep pushing through. God loves you more than you will ever know. He doesn't look at what you can't do or your flaws, he looks at what you're capable of doing. And He's going to use you for His Kingdom. He's proud of the women you are and who you are becoming. You're blossoming into a women of valour, a virtuous women.
A women after His own heart.
Writing these words are even encouraging me and i feel a peace coming over me. In this world we will have trouble, but take heart, He has overcome the world.
~
If you ever look at yourself and feel
that you don't measure up, read this and your outlook
will change before you're finish reading it!
This is good to keep, not just to read from time to time,
but to also keep stored in your heart!
Enjoy and remember who you are!!!
"When I created the heavens and the earth,
I spoke them into being.
When I created man, I formed him and
breathed life into his nostrils.
But you, I fashioned
after I breathed the breath of life into man
because your nostrils are too delicate.
I allowed a deep sleep to come over him so
I could patiently and perfectly fashion you.
Man was put to sleep so that
he could not interfere with the creativity.
From one bone I fashioned you.
I chose the bone that protects man's life.
I chose the rib,
which protects his heart and lungs and supports him,
as you are meant to do.
Around this one bone, I shaped you ...
I modelled you.
I created you perfectly and beautifully.
Your characteristics are as the rib,
strong yet delicate and fragile.
You provide protection for
the most delicate organ in man, his heart.
His heart is the centre of his being;
his lungs hold the breath of life.
The rib cage will allow itself to be broken
before it will allow damage to the heart.
You are My perfect angel ... you are My beautiful little girl.
You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence,
and My eyes fill when I see the virtues in your heart.
Your eyes ... don't change them.
Your lips -- how lovely when they part in prayer.
Your nose, so perfect in form.
Your hands so gentle to touch.
I've caressed your face in your deepest sleep.
I've held your heart close to Mine.
Of all that lives and breathes, you are most like me.
Adam walked with Me in the cool of the day,
yet he was lonely.
He could not see Me or touch Me. He could only feel Me.
So everything I wanted Adam to share
and experience with Me, I fashioned you;
My holiness, My strength, My purity,
My love, My protection and support.
You are special because you are an extension of Me.
Man represents my image, woman my emotions.
Together, you represent the totality of God.
You are loved, respected and fragile."
~author unknown
Remember who you are. God's daughter, a princess!!!
Love,
Me!